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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24590344">written in your heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiaohenyang/pseuds/xiaohenyang'>xiaohenyang</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band), WAYV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Coming of Age, M/M, Post-High School, Slice of Life</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:27:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,727</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24590344</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiaohenyang/pseuds/xiaohenyang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Huang Guanheng isn’t really sure about a lot of things, but he had been anticipating a bright future ahead of him. Not until everything takes a turn and he meets another hopeful soul, Xiao Dejun.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>102</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>written in your heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is an official entry for xiaodery week 2020! i have a few songs to recommend while reading the story, you can check out this spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6P0EH8otxLVcBk7qL3BKYA?si=TWCS8fuDSbu_xdLLMNpFfA</p><p>this is not proofread so i'm sorry for the errors! english is not really my first language so i'm kinda struggling.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Guanheng told his mom that he’s excited to be a teenager when he was 8.</p><p> </p><p>He grew up looking up to his three older sisters. Guanheng often gets jealous when his sisters get to do things that he cannot do. One time when his eldest sister asked for Mrs. Huang’s permission to hang out with friends, Guanheng was sad.</p><p>“I want to hang out with my friends too!” Guanheng rolls over his bed, wailing.</p><p>Mrs. Huang laughs at her young son while sitting at the edge of the bed. “No Guanheng, you’re too young!”</p><p>“But I’m already a big boy! Dad told me I’m one!”</p><p>“Dad told you that?” Mrs. Huang questions. “But no, you are not. Sometimes your father tells lies.”</p><p>“Dad doesn’t lie!” Guanheng buries his face on the pillow. He felt his side of the bed dip as Mrs. Huang moved nearer.</p><p>“Come on, you also lie! Dad is no exception.” Mrs. Huang chuckles. She pats her son’s head and stands up. “Food’s already downstairs.”</p><p>Guanheng didn’t respond at all, then Mrs. Huang left the child’s room. He fell asleep and unintentionally skipped lunch that day. At least he got some food his sister bought from the mall when she came home.</p><p>Several birthdays passed, but Guanheng was only allowed to go outside when he was 15. He guessed it was alright, he didn’t have many friends during middle school and enjoyed most of his time in his home. The only time he’s outside is when he’s playing football. He’s getting good at it, and even took extra time to practice under his coaches’ watch, of course with permission from his parents.</p><p> </p><p>When Guanheng was 16, he was very excited to enter senior high school.</p><p> </p><p>That was the time when he first met Xuxi, someone who isn’t originally from their hometown, but it seemed Xuxi was able to adjust that quickly. The moment he steps into the room, all the girls start stealing glances at him.</p><p>Xuxi took the vacant seat next to Guanheng, and the taller man considers their first meeting as something funny, for Guanheng just stared at him, mouth agape for a moment.</p><p><em> “Wow.” </em> Since then, Xuxi always imitates how Guanheng said it during that time just to annoy the other.</p><p>It was overwhelming for Guanheng, he never expected to be friends with the new hot guy in school. He usually spends his time on his own since his time in middle school, playing with random cats on his way to his home. Xuxi changed his routine, he guessed.</p><p>A year and several months passed by and Guanheng also started to attract admirers, he never got that many letters and gifts every 20th of May in his life, except when he started high school. He thought it was because he’s friends with Xuxi, he even assumed that these admirers wanted him to be some sort of a bridge.</p><p>“No, really.” Xuxi laughs. They were already in their 2nd year in high school, and they were on overnight at Guanheng’s house. The supposed sole purpose of it was to finish a project but they ended up talking all day long and playing video games. “You have been thinking that these girls,” Xuxi raises a bundle of envelopes and cards. “...didn’t like you?”</p><p>“Look at me!” Guanheng says. “I am no match compared to someone like you? Also move over, you’re pretty much occupying two-thirds of my bed.”</p><p>“Sorry.” Xuxi replies, then moves to let Guanheng sit at the other side.</p><p>When Guanheng realized that they wouldn’t fit, he rubbed his head in annoyance. “You’re so big, damn it.” Guanheng stands up and pulls the other mattress under his bed. “I’ll sleep here instead. And please, stop reading the letters!”</p><p>“You were telling me they like me, but the letters are clear? The name’s Guanheng… all Huang Guanheng, no trace of Huang Xuxi. Get it?” Xuxi drags himself to get nearer to Guanheng. “Come on, don’t tell me you’re traumatized over that one letter you read when we were having lunch?”</p><p>Guanheng shakes his head. “Of course not.”</p><p>“Then why are you so upset?”</p><p>“I...” Guanheng lets out a deep breath. “I don’t want to be some kind of pawn in here.”</p><p>Xuxi nods. “I get it.” He looked at the pile of chocolates on Guanheng’s nightstand, it was a lot, but Xuxi’s chocolates were probably two times Guanheng’s pile. “Can I get one?” He grabs a whole milk chocolate bar and opens it before Guanheng even says anything.</p><p>“You have like a ton of chocolate bars - hey!” Guanheng half-yelled, as Xuxi laughs with chocolates in his mouth. “Fine, eat it.”</p><p>“You know what, Guanheng?” Xuxi sits on the edge of the bed. “It’s fun, love?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You never fell in love, ever?”</p><p>“What, no!” Guanheng was surprised at Xuxi’s question. “You think I have time for that?”</p><p>Xuxi chuckles, his deep voice resonated in the room. “You’re so busy with the football stuff you have been doing for like what, a year?”</p><p>"Is that even a problem? I enjoy playing football." Guanheng scoffs. "I'm going to sleep."</p><p>There are also bad days for Guanheng, but overall, he’s happy. He made a lot of friends in his school, was able to be a part of the football team and even competed, and is a part of the dance club together with Xuxi. He didn’t even feel the three years of high school pass, he just found himself already graduating with special awards, his parents looking at him very proudly when he went onstage to receive his diploma.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>It wasn’t always easy for Guanheng to grasp everything that is happening all at once, especially now that he’s about to enter college, <em> supposedly. </em></p><p>He’s into his 5th day of physical therapy, and he couldn’t remember if he was improving or not, it’s just he relies on stories his sisters and mother tells him, or at the sticky notes on his walls whenever he wakes up, or even Sicheng, his physical therapist. Guanheng sometimes forgets Sicheng’s name, and Sicheng had to always introduce himself.</p><p>“Good day Mr. Huang, I-”</p><p>“Wait, let me think…” Guanheng stops him. “I read your name somewhere, Sicheng, right?” He flashes a triumphant smile when Sicheng nods, something that he could consider an achievement for the day.</p><p>Sicheng was greeted by Guanheng’s mother as well, who let him push the patient’s wheelchair. “Take care of my son.” Mrs. Huang taps Sicheng’s shoulders, which the latter responds with a reassuring smile.</p><p> </p><p>It had been like that since day one.</p><p> </p><p>Guanheng still remembers the last time his knees are perfectly fine, he’s 18 and it was around the end of July, when he brought his bicycle on the way to Xuxi’s party. Guanheng really prepared for the day, a bottle of sparkling juice placed carefully at the basket, together with a shirt which he hoped would fit on Xuxi well, who would be leaving in a week to continue his studies elsewhere.</p><p>He was pretty much sad that one of his high school best friends would leave the country for good, but Xuxi was the type of person who’s always up for a video call whenever he goes, which gave Guanheng a little bit of relief. He would definitely look forward to meeting him again when he comes back, it will be a very long day for them just chatting about things to make up.</p><p>Every day is a new day indeed for Guanheng, but his last memory of yesterday was just a loud honk and his vision becoming all black.</p><p> </p><p>He couldn’t even remember the time when he woke up in the ICU, or the morning of his first therapy.</p><p> </p><p>The sun peeking through his heavily curtained windows woke him up. It has been three weeks since the surgery, he was already discharged and he’s up for physical rehabilitation. Still had little pain on his head from the trauma, but overall, he thinks it’s just his typical day, just with a headache. He didn’t even realize it was already mid-August.</p><p>Since the gruesome accident, Guanheng hasn’t returned to his bedroom upstairs. He sleeps at the guest room temporarily, but he couldn’t feel the comfort his own room gives him, no matter how his family rearranged the room to make it look the same.</p><p>He carefully turns to his side to get his phone, it’s already 8am in the morning and he could hear feet shuffling in the corridor outside the room. Everything seems perfectly fine, not until Guanheng’s gaze darted towards an unfamiliar object beside his nightstand.</p><p>“A wheelchair?” He mutters under his breath. “Why is there a wheelchair here?”</p><p>Guanheng moves and attempts to stand but the moment he does, he immediately falls back to his bed. He lets out a groan, feeling a sharp pain on his knees. He lifts his blanket and notices the bandages wrapped around his knees, but he doesn’t remember when and why he had it.</p><p>Another try and it’s just Guanheng falling back to his mattress again, and it frustrates him even more.</p><p><em> Three times the charm? </em> He thought, but then, a failed attempt and it sent Guanheng into a mess, everything suddenly became so confusing to him that his head hurts.</p><p>“Mom!” Guanheng called, loud enough for someone to come at his door and open it. There is so much thought entering his mind at the moment, the confusion hits him hard and he starts to cry, he can’t process the things he sees and what he really thought about it - the wheelchair, the bandage on his knees, the pain from his head and his knees when he stood up, it was so overwhelming that he starts to grip the sides of his head and scream, not until he feels someone hugging him and reassuring him that everything’s fine. His mother’s soothing voice made him calm for a bit.</p><p>Guanheng spent a whole hour sobbing, while his mother continued to rub his back to comfort him. When he already calmed down, he looked at his mother with pleading eyes, searching for answers. Mrs. Huang let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding for too long.</p><p>“You were involved in an accident, son.” She starts, trying to formulate her words so that she wouldn’t shock Guanheng. “Your knees and head were hurt so bad you needed surgery, that’s why you need a wheelchair.”</p><p>It went on for three straight days, Guanheng getting overwhelmed with things, until he finally kind of grasped what was happening. Mrs. Huang and Guanheng’s sisters decided to put sticky notes to remind him of what happened on a certain date. They even put up Sicheng’s name in all capital letters on a bond paper for Guanheng to review, and this one name scribbled under every date.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Xiao Dejun. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Guanheng couldn’t remember who exactly Xiao Dejun was, but he could probably say that he associates the name with someone who’s really <em> attractive </em>. His sisters laugh whenever he brings it up when he runs through the notes, but the fact that they write his name, maybe there’s something Guanheng needed to know about this guy.</p><p>“You have been improving for the past few days, Mr. Huang.” Sicheng smiles, pushing his wheelchair along the corridor, muffled chattering of people was faintly heard from the other side of the wall. They arrive at a large door in the middle of the hallway, then Sicheng looks at Guanheng and gives him a nod before opening it, revealing a massive facility that houses a variety of physical rehabilitation equipment.</p><p>“Kun!” Guanheng heard Sicheng call the other person inside. He was wearing the same clothes as Sicheng, Guanheng assumed that the Kun guy was also a physical therapist. “How is it going?”</p><p>“Oh, my patient’s doing well.” Kun turns to Sicheng, showing a large smile, and beside him is a young man in hospital clothes wearing a bonnet, standing with a walker. He faintly smiles at Guanheng.</p><p>The smile gave the man’s face life, which he kind of admired.</p><p>“Dejun is also starting to work on his writing.” Kun happily says, the name he mentioned rang into Guanheng’s ear.</p><p> </p><p><em> Xiao Dejun </em>? Guanheng thought, but he wasn’t so sure.</p><p> </p><p>He looks at Dejun, trying to study more of the latter’s features. The bonnet was kind of thicker than what would Guanheng prefer and covered most of his forehead and brows. His lips are pale, his face structure’s sharp but has added softness in it from his eyes. There was this odd sparkle in his eyes that Guanheng would describe as <em> something you would only see in anime characters </em>, and it looks like it really speaks a thousand words.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi.” Dejun slowly walks closer. Sicheng helps by pushing Guanheng towards Dejun. “I’m Dejun, do you remember me?”</p><p>Guanheng blinks at him, a shy laugh escaping from his lips, averting his gaze. “S-Sorry, my memory’s a bit messed up, you know.”</p><p>Dejun chuckles. “I know.” He says, voice a bit raspy. “So… yeah? I’m Dejun, I usually get scheduled around the same time as yours.”</p><p>Guanheng nods. “Oh, wow.” He can’t think of enough words to say, he looks back at Dejun who was smiling at him. “I-I’m really sorry I can’t easily recall things, Dejun. I’ll take a note of it, I guess.”</p><p>“So…” Sicheng trails off. “I think we should start, Mr. Huang?” Sicheng taps Guanheng’s shoulders.</p><p>Guanheng responds with a nod before smiling at Dejun and Kun. “We’ll go ahead.”</p><p>Kun nods in response. “Shall we?” He asks his patient, in which Dejun responds with a faint ‘Sure’.</p><p> </p><p>It went like that for weeks, and Guanheng didn’t even think about going to college that school year due to his condition, or maybe he forgot everything about it, but Mrs. Huang didn’t bother Guanheng about that anymore since he was enjoying himself as of that time. Dejun still introduced himself to Guanheng, but the following schedules had occasional talks about lighter things – their favorite food, sport, embarrassing childhood moments, and life as high school students. It gives them an escape from reality, and they’re getting comfortable with each other’s presence as time passes by. They can’t contact each other through their smartphones, Dejun is still sensitive to light and it might cause focal seizures. Sometimes Dejun needed to retell a story to Guanheng, who obviously forgot about what the other told him, or he wasn’t able to write it on a piece of paper or something.</p><p>Day by day, Guanheng’s bedroom walls become filled with sticky notes, most of them were moments with Dejun where they casually talk, or when they both achieve something on their respective therapies. Dejun was improving on his writing, while Guanheng’s knees slowly recovered their strength.</p><p> </p><p>He also got close to one of the stray cats living there. Two weeks after he and Dejun met for the first time, he saw the latter with a bag of cat food placed across his lap when he entered the lobby.</p><p> </p><p>“Dejun?” Guanheng motioned for Sicheng to push his wheelchair closer.</p><p>Dejun looked for the source of the voice, then smiled when he saw Guanheng approaching. “Wow, you remember me?” He asks.</p><p>Guanheng grins. “I read my notes before I came here.”</p><p>“I’m glad.” Dejun chuckles. He notices that Guanheng was staring at the cat food he was holding. “Aren’t you going to ask why I have this?”</p><p>Guanheng blankly stares at him and blinks. “Oh. Am I staring for too long?” He shakes his head when he realizes what he was doing.</p><p>“I guess?”</p><p>Guanheng giggled, rubbing his nape in embarrassment. “So, would you like to tell me what was that for?”</p><p> </p><p>Their attention was caught by a soft meow coming from a small cat near Dejun’s feet. It has black spots around its white body, has a bald spot near its tail but otherwise healthy. “Here he is.” Dejun smiles, opening the bag which released a strong smell. The cat meows louder, which Dejun adored so much. Guanheng could see it on the latter’s face - how happy he is at that moment. He wished the other would always be like that.</p><p>Sicheng arrives with a cat food bowl, smiling at the two. “Here you go.” Sicheng said before handing the bowl to Dejun. The sound of the food rang in their ears, then Dejun put it gently on the floor.</p><p> </p><p>“There.” The moment the bow touches the floor, the cat happily enjoyed its meal. Guanheng and Dejun watched as it ate every single piece, wiping the bowl clean.</p><p> </p><p>Kun arrives at the scene and takes over Dejun, who asks him to keep the remaining food and feed the cat for him until his next visit. “I’ll bring his food often.” He smiles. Kun agreed to the set-up, as long as he sees his patient happy and comfortable, it will be fine.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Guanheng’s notebook had a long entry on it, which is unusual, and the story happened on a Thursday afternoon.</p><p> </p><p>Their wheelchairs were next to each other, the sessions had ended and Guanheng’s waiting for his mom, while Dejun asked his mom to let him stay for a while and wait with Guanheng. “Dejun?” Guanheng faintly calls, enough for the other to hear.</p><p>“What?” The other looks at him.</p><p>“I don’t know if I already asked this but… what’s…” Guanheng points on his head. “underneath that bonnet?”</p><p>Dejun softly chuckles. “Under this?” He repeats, then points at his head. “This is what you get when you have your skull opened, lots of gauzes for the wounds. Actually, this is the first time you asked me that.”</p><p>“Oh.” Guanheng smiles. “I think I’m asking the right questions now.” He laughs, a sound Dejun adored for the past few moments he was with him.</p><p>“I’m in remission from cancer,” Dejun explains. “I had a brain tumor, Guanheng. I was on chemotherapy, had undergone surgery, and now I’m recovering. But…” He trails off. “It affected a great part of my life, you know. The reason why I’m here is that I…” Dejun’s eyes gazed at his right hand, which he attempted to move. “The right half part of my body lost its feel. It became numb.”</p><p>Guanheng was just staring at him, but he could see the pain in Dejun’s eyes. He doesn’t know what to say. His curiosity takes over and tries to reach for Dejun’s right arm. He runs his finger through the skin. “Can you feel it?”</p><p>Dejun shakes his head. “I can’t feel anything there.”</p><p>Guanheng retracts his arm. “Oh.”</p><p>“Have I told you that I used to play a lot of instruments?” Dejun asks. Guanheng shakes his head.</p><p>“I loved playing the guitar, but I guess I couldn’t do it now. I wanted to make music.” He lets out a shaky breath, pain laced in it. “But I realized I had to start all over again, that’s why I’m learning to write using my left hand.” Dejun returns his gaze at Guanheng then smiles. “I’m using a walker and trying to coordinate my eyes with my movement so I wouldn’t fall.”</p><p>“I didn’t know…” Guanheng softly says. “I thought I was the worst, I’m sorry you had to go through a lot.”</p><p>“Don’t be.” Dejun reaches out to hold the other’s hand, but his right limb isn’t cooperating that much, so Guanheng guides it by holding onto Dejun’s wrist, pulling it slightly closer. “I could see that I will be back to normal soon. Not really the normal me before cancer, it’s more of a new beginning.”</p><p>Guanheng moves his hand and squeezes Dejun’s hand. “You will, we will.” He says.</p><p>They pull their hands away, then silence enveloped them for a while. Guanheng plays with his fingers while Dejun leans his head on his left hand, his elbow on the armrest of his wheelchair. “I used to play football.” Guanheng decides to break the silent atmosphere, cutting Dejun’s thoughts off.</p><p>“Really?” Dejun responds, his lips slightly parted.</p><p>Guanheng nods. “Yeah, I was an ace player.” He starts, lowering his head and stares at the floor. “I applied for a few scholarships and varsity teams for college, I was so happy when I was able to get one. I would be playing for their football team as well.”</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t know if telling his story would help them both, but Guanheng was looking for someone to talk to about his dreams, about his worries - maybe someone who is around his age and is a good listener. He doesn’t know if Dejun was looking for that kind of person too, and he hopes it is the case, because he is more than willing to be a shoulder to cry on for the latter.</p><p> </p><p>“But my knees won’t return to the same strength it had before. I guess you were right when you said that it’s more of a new beginning right? Adjusting to our new personal norms would take a while, but we’ll get there.”</p><p>Dejun looks at the other, and he could see how sad Guanheng was when he said it. <em> We’ll get there </em>, he thought.</p><p> </p><p>Their conversation ends when Mrs. Huang arrives to pick up Guanheng, in which Dejun bids goodbye to him, watching the car leave the driveway. Dejun smiles to himself, maybe this was something he should look forward to when his new life begins after his battle.</p><p> </p><p>More therapy sessions have passed and Guanheng was happy, he felt genuinely happy although he always had to run through some pages of his notebook and the sticky notes he had. He finds himself writing more and more about his memory that day before he falls asleep.</p><p> </p><p>“You always talk about Dejun, you know?” Mrs. Huang tells his son one night when he was helping him to get on his bed.</p><p>“Really?” Guanheng smiles. “He’s really fun to talk to, Mom.”</p><p>“You know, you’re not like that before.”</p><p>Guanheng raised a brow. “I’m always your son since day one, nothing really changed at all.”</p><p>“Really…” Mrs. Huang softly chuckled.</p><p>“Believe me, I have always been the typical Guanheng you know.” He smiles back at his mother. “Except for the fact that my brain’s messed up.”</p><p>“Of course, you are.” Mrs. Huang cups her son’s cheeks, rubbing her thumbs agains it. “You will always be my adorable son.” She puts her hands on Guanheng’s shoulders then shakes it lightly. “And I will always be your mother.”</p><p>Guanheng grins and nods his head.</p><p>“You know what else? This son of mine is pretty much in love.”</p><p>“Mom?!” Guanheng looks at his mother in disbelief. “What are you saying?”</p><p>“Have you heard about what people our age say? Parents know when their child’s in love.”</p><p>“Mom, I’m not!”</p><p>“I was just saying! Why are you being defensive?” Mrs. Huang laughs. “You should go to sleep now.” She pats his son’s legs before closing the door.</p><p> </p><p>Guanheng wasn’t able to sleep immediately, his mother’s words were on his head for a while. He thought he never fell in love with someone before, he definitely never fell in love at all, he guessed. Sure, girls were swooning over him way back in their early high school years, but Xuxi had more admirers than him that time, and his friend’s pretty chill and even teased him about it, but he chose not to make a big deal out of it.</p><p>He doesn’t know the <em> exact </em> feeling of being in love at all. Whenever he asks his mother or his sisters, all he receives are answers that were too cheesy for him. Guanheng’s about to brush all the thoughts off when he remembered one thing his sister always told him when he was in middle school.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You will know if you’ve fallen in love when you admire them for who they are, from their bests down to their flaws.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>There are no existing people who have little to no flaws, Guanheng thought.</p><p>He squeezed his eyes shut but all he could see was Dejun’s image in his mind. Dejun’s laugh earlier that day because of his silly jokes, his long lashes which Guanheng only noticed recently, and the first time Dejun hugged him when he was able to stand for a good seven minutes without support. It all happened on the same day, and Guanheng could say he’s really happy, and cherished every second of it.</p><p>But he had only known Dejun for more than a month? He couldn’t even recall what he had asked Dejun, or his answers to it, sometimes he was losing track of what’s happening. How can he be in love?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>How can he ever love when he can’t even rely on his memory?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The sessions had gone by and Guanheng was focused on improving his mobility. He’s determined to get back to his tracks, his normal life and explore. Also, his sessions with an occupational therapist were going well, he thought he would be able to manage his amnesia soon. It was the same feeling for Dejun, they were cheering for each other and it had been helpful for them to keep their spirits up.</p><p>Not until Dejun’s occasional absence kind of bothered him.</p><p>Whenever Dejun misses a session then returns the next day, Guanheng would always ask him why he didn’t come the previous day, which amuses the other.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I thought you’re an anterograde amnesiac, how did you even know I was gone that day?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I have my notes?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Dejun would always try to brush the topic off and ask Guanheng how his sessions went, which the latter didn’t mind at all. But he notices that Dejun’s getting thinner and paler, maybe it was from the meds he was taking for cancer. He chose not to talk about it and just keep on going, their day would end like it normally does, bidding goodbye to each other and probably seeing each other again on their next schedules.</p><p> </p><p>Entries are getting shorter and shorter, and on a Sunday afternoon, he decided to skim through all of his notes, and noticed that one note gets longer when he’s with Dejun.</p><p>Whenever he sees Dejun at the rehab, it’s always like the first time. He would totally forget how the latter looked like and his name, would have a blurry idea about it after running through a bunch of pages, then he'd see him again, and Dejun’s face would be in his head all day long. Guanheng falls asleep, and he’ll go back to square one. Maybe his last resort would be an old image he saved from Dejun’s account, when he once searched for his name.</p><p>Dejun’s eyes turn into little crescents when he laughs, his kind of laugh Guanheng would probably want to hear for the rest of his life, even if he won’t be able to recall whom the laugh belongs to. </p><p>Guanheng smiles to himself, and it didn’t take long for the smile to falter, as he notices that the entries without Dejun kept on going on a three-week streak. Maybe he missed it? He doubts himself at this point. His therapists were doing a good job on taking care of him and believes he won’t slip away for that long. But it wasn’t impossible.</p><p> </p><p>He’s really bad at dates, so Guanheng went back to the previous pages and found the last entry that had Dejun in it.</p><p> </p><p>It was the day when he saw Dejun cry for the first time.</p><p> </p><p>The entry said it bothered him the whole day, he was looking for the other since he was about to leave, he wasn’t used to Dejun not sending him off at the lobby. Guanheng’s using a walker now, strolling down the hallway when he passed by a large window and saw a familiar figure inside.</p><p>It was Dejun, with paper sprawled everywhere, crying on his therapist’s shoulder. Kun looked at Guanheng with a sad smile, while he was consoling his patient. Guanheng mouthed if he could enter the room, but when Kun was about to answer, his mother called him, who was looking for him everywhere.</p><p>Guanheng closed his notes and he could feel his heart getting heavy. He knew their moms became close since they started therapy, but he didn’t want to bother Mrs. Huang, as well as Dejun’s mom.</p><p>Maybe, <em> just maybe </em>, his memories betrayed him that day and he forgot to put everything that happened. Guanheng fell asleep the moment he closed his eyes.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“He has been looking for your patient, Kun.” Sicheng lowers his voice, arms crossed across his chest. “Every single time, it started around three weeks ago. He used to be scheduled at the same time slot as Mr. Xiao.”</p><p>It was a busy Wednesday for the physical therapy facility, Kun and Sicheng taking their morning coffee before they work. Sicheng takes a sip from his cup, inhaling the scent of freshly brewed coffee they got at the lounge. “All I can tell is that maybe Dejun wasn’t scheduled that day, or something like that. The last time he asked me, I said that I should ask you first because I have no idea… I think the best way is you talking to him about this.”</p><p>“I just can’t disclose what happened to my patient to someone who isn’t an immediate family member or who doesn’t have the legal rights, you know that.” Kun replies.</p><p>Sicheng nods, inserting his hands on his pockets, his back leaning on the rail. “Just let me know if you’re seeing him.”</p><p>Kun replies with a faint smile. “Sure.”</p><p>He proceeds to walk towards the back entrance, smelling the familiar disinfectant again. It’s still early for his next patient’s session, so he first went to the storage room to retrieve some cat food.</p><p> </p><p>It was the last bag of food Dejun had given him since his last visit. Kun had so many patients before, but Dejun’s different from them. He could see from the younger’s face that he had dreams, dreams that he had been looking forward to reaching. Dejun’s heart was so pure, and Kun recalls the time when his patient saw the stray cat for the first time. Dejun wanted to take it home but he knew no one in their home would be able to take care of it. He’s sick, his older brother and father are busy working, and his mother taking care of him.</p><p>Kun gets out of the storage room and starts to look for the cat. They didn’t give it a name, nor Dejun or Guanheng give it anything to easily call it when it’s time to eat. Kun’s been roaming around for minutes when he heard a faint meow from his back, and it didn’t disappoint him. He kneels on his one knee to place the bowl in front of it, and the cat starts eating right away.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re really hungry.” Kun chuckles. Sometimes it’s Sicheng who feeds it whenever Kun has something to do, and the cat’s pretty much okay so far. He stands up and hears a faint ring on his pocket. He forgot that he bought a collar for the cat.</p><p>He patiently waited for the cat to finish before he called it again. The cat blinks at him, patiently waiting for Kun to do something. Kun lowers down and locks the collar around the cat’s neck. “There we go.” He smiles. “Now it will be easier to find you.”</p><p> </p><p>The cat casually walked away as if nothing ever happened, Kun could hear the tiny sounds the bell made fading away. He entered the rehab center again, and remembered how the cat walked away just like that. It made him realize how hard it was for people to let go of something, unlike these animals he encountered every day. Kun believed animals had feelings too, but how can they do that so effortlessly, so quick?</p><p> </p><p>There are times when a person walks out of someone’s life easily as if they never really cared, but Kun knew that there would always be a heavy reason behind it, and it will never be that easy.</p><p> </p><p>Just how like Ten left him hanging.</p><p> </p><p>It was one cold night when Ten asked him to meet at the playground, he saw him sitting at the swing, eyes were glistening under the moonlight.</p><p>Ten seemed to be a reserved kind of person, he doesn’t really share a lot of things to people around him, including Kun. Their relationship isn’t even defined at all, they just know they were in love, and that’s it. Kun was in plain shock when Ten told him that he fell out of love after 5 years, but what baffled him is the words Ten left before he walked away.</p><p><em> ‘Kun, be happy.’ </em>Those were the exact words Ten said to him before he returned the necklace Kun gave him and disappeared completely. He never knew the reason why.</p><p>Kun wonders if Dejun was happy about his decision, then he decides not to talk to Guanheng. It was something that the two should settle for themselves.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>As Guanheng’s physical therapy sessions end, he starts to remove the sticky notes on his bedroom wall one by one and replace it with new memories. His knees already healed and he could already walk on his own, something that he’s really glad about, at least he could be as normal as he can when he enters college, even without the scholarship and all.</p><p>He sits down on his bed to wear some socks. but he knocks a thick notebook down. Guanheng shrugs his shoulders, then proceeds to dress up.</p><p> </p><p>A knock on his door startled him, then the door opened, revealing Mrs. Huang behind it. “You ready?” She asks.</p><p>Guanheng nods, but before he could get out of the room, Mrs. Huang asks him again. “Did you run through your entries?”</p><p>He steps back and rubs his nape. “Uhh, I ran through the first few pages, that’s it?”</p><p>Mrs. Huang shakes his head and chuckles. “You’re being so stubborn nowadays. Pick up the notebook there.” She points at the notebook Guanheng dropped earlier.</p><p>“Okay. I’ll come after you in a bit.” Guanheng smiles at his mother, which Mrs. Huang replied with a nod before closing the door.</p><p>He picks up his bag, not forgetting about the notebook then runs downstairs to meet his mom at the carpark. “Where are we exactly going?” Guanheng asks as soon as he settles himself on the passenger seat.</p><p>Mrs. Huang grins at him, then starts the engine. “Do you still remember Liu Yangyang?”</p><p>“Yangyang…” Guanheng whispers to himself. He felt the car move and the following minute, they’re already at the main avenue. “He’s my junior in high school, am I right? Was he younger than I am?”</p><p>“A year, I think?” Mrs. Huang said, her eyes still on the road. “But yes, you’re right. He’s the son of your dad’s business partner.”</p><p>“Oh…” Guanheng trails off, then looks outside the window. The view was the same old houses and buildings he used to pass by on the way to school, at least from his last memory of it before the accident. He returns his gaze to the notebook on his lap, then opens it.</p><p>“Yangyang was rushed to the ER two days ago, and had undergone surgery to remove his appendix.” Mrs. Huang explains. “Might as well visit him as a family friend.”</p><p>Guanheng didn’t respond, instead he read his entries silently. Mrs. Huang notices it and smiles at herself.</p><p> </p><p>They haven’t tracked the time that passed, and it seemed Guanheng was very serious reading the notes. They’re still on their way to the hospital where Yangyang was confined, it was a two to three-hour drive and the whole trip was quiet so far. Mrs. Huang gets a bit startled when she hears Guanheng close the notebook.</p><p> </p><p>“Xiao Dejun…” Guanheng mutters under his breath. “Dejun...” He asks himself.</p><p>His mother heard him and speaks. “You’re worried about Dejun, am I right?”</p><p>Guanheng slowly nods his head. He notices a small note at the bottom of the front page, <em> ‘Open your gallery to see how Dejun looked like!’ </em>, it says.</p><p> </p><p>He fished his phone out from his pocket and scrolled through his gallery, then he stopped at a folder with a face which seemed new to him, but it oddly made his heart skip a beat. Clicking the folder open, it reveals three photos of a young man, which he believed is Dejun. He’s all smiling and bright in the photos and seemed to be a very happy person during his youth.</p><p>And then it slowly hit him. All of the things he read in his diary, Dejun’s face saved on his phone - it gets into his head a little bit faster than what he had wanted it to and it gets mixed up. Why is he feeling something strange inside him?</p><p> </p><p>This name, which sometimes slips from his sisters’ mouths when they talk about Guanheng’s recovery. This name that kept showing on every page of his notes, this name written on every piece of paper stuck on his walls. The mention of this certain name, which he usually forgets makes him feel like he’s about to explode or something similar to that. </p><p> </p><p>Guanheng breathes heavily. He didn’t even know that they had reached the hospital already, until Mrs. Huang tapped his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re here.”</p><p> </p><p>The hospital was very cold when they entered, the scent was so familiar for Guanheng that it reminded him of his days at the physical therapy center. They were walking towards the reception to ask for Yangyang’s room number when a familiar figure catches Mrs. Huang’s attention.</p><p>Guanheng didn’t hear what name his mother called, he was so preoccupied with his own thoughts but when the woman turned around, he got so confused. She looks familiar, but he couldn’t point out who she really was.</p><p> </p><p>Not until he walks closer to his mother and hears Dejun’s name.</p><p> </p><p>The two mothers talked for a while, Guanheng just stood there in his own bubble. He couldn’t comprehend what his mother was saying, but he saw the woman’s sad smile as she answered Mrs. Huang’s questions.</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t know how long the conversation was, but it was long enough for Guanheng to feel the sudden urge to find answers. </p><p> </p><p>“Guanheng,” His train of thoughts was broken at the sound of his mother’s voice. “Do you recognize her?”</p><p>He looks at the other woman, biting his lip while shaking his head. “N-no.”</p><p>“She’s Dejun’s mother.” Mrs. Huang calmly said. She could see that Guanheng’s starting to get overwhelmed. Guanheng looks back at Mrs. Xiao and bows as a greeting.</p><p>“Guanheng,” Mrs. Xiao called. “... do you want to see my son?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Guanheng doesn’t know but he finds himself in front of a hospital room. His shaky hand landed on the cold doorknob, then he twisted it open.</p><p> </p><p>The room’s really cold, cozy otherwise. There’s a couch at the side and a huge window and curtains. Guanheng’s gaze went to someone’s back, who was blocking the view of the bed. The man turns with a surprised look in his face. He steps back, finally revealing Dejun, who was lying on the bed, his bonnet still on, face very pale. His features were very visible since the bed’s inclined.</p><p> </p><p>Dejun was surprised, too, and asked the nurse to leave the two of them. The moment the nurse closes the door, Dejun avoids Guanheng’s stare. “I…” He broke the silence, voice raspy. “... didn’t expect you’ll be here.”</p><p>Guanheng walks forward, his steps slow, too slow that it took like forever for him before he reaches Dejun’s bed, but there’s still a bit of distance. “I…” Guanheng breathes. “I don’t know what to say.”</p><p>Dejun looks at Guanheng, who was looking at the floor. “I guess you read your notes too often?” He lets out a bitter chuckle. “Why are you here?”</p><p>“I needed answers.” Guanheng blankly said.</p><p>“What?” Dejun asked.</p><p>“Tell me.”</p><p>“Tell you what?”</p><p>“Everything!” Guanheng snaps and raises his head, his tears already flowing. He pulls his hair in frustration and starts to walk back and forth in front of Dejun. “I, I don’t know what’s with me! Every time I wake up, I forget the past and have to recall it through diaries, notes, whatever piece of paper I’ve written on. Then I’ll read your name, get curious all over again and I’ll try to remember how you look like, how your voice sounds like, then I’ll sleep with all of you stuck in my head then what?! Back to square one?”</p><p> </p><p>Dejun was taken aback to see Guanheng so confused, so frustrated in front of him. He didn’t know what to say - he thought Guanheng would just forget him like he’s just air and nothing else. He thought Guanheng would be able to forget him completely and move on if he disappeared.</p><p> </p><p>Guanheng was just staring at him with tear stricken eyes. “Tell me everything. Tell me why am I being like this. I… I was supposed to just forget everything, right? I’m anterograde amnesiac, why do all of this bullshit suddenly matter to me?!”</p><p>Dejun shakes his head then averts his gaze. “I-I don’t know.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Sometimes I ask myself… am I writing your name everywhere because I don’t want to forget you?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Dejun’s breath hitched at the confession. The moment he looked again at Guanheng, his tears started to fall.</p><p>“Tell me… Xiao Dejun.” Guanheng steps closer. “Tell me that I’m not the only one, tell me that I’m not wrong. I’m so tired of ignoring everything that I feel about you and I always end up this miserable, tell me I had to stop denying once and for all. <em> Tell me that you don’t want to forget me too, as much as I wanted you to stay. </em>”</p><p> </p><p>Dejun lets out a deep breath. He wants to stop himself from calling Guanheng to get closer to him, to hug him, and tell him everything he feels. To tell Guanheng how much he matters to him, that he wanted to be with him as long as they live. But he thought there’s something wrong if he lets it all out.</p><p> </p><p>He wanted to save Guanheng from a worse misery, something that is inevitable. Dejun isn’t even ready to tell Guanheng about it, too. “Guanheng…” He whispers. “No, just please... don’t do this to yourself.”</p><p>“What? Stop doing what? Looking for answers? Dejun, just tell me...”</p><p>“No, please go.”</p><p>Guanheng shakes his head. “How many times should I tell you that I was trying to let go of it?! I was trying so hard to just let things pass, but every time I remember you, everything comes back. I…” He bites his lower lip to suppress a sob. <em> “I wanted to be with you, always.” </em></p><p> </p><p>The sound coming from the AC unit fills the whole room, their stares at each other gets softer and softer, then Dejun lifts his hand as if reaching the other. Guanheng didn’t get it at first, but looking at Dejun’s eyes, he moved closer, held the latter’s hands, and sat at the space beside him.</p><p>They stayed like it for a while, the silence kind of made their breaths and the weight on their shoulders a little lighter. Guanheng lifts Dejun’s cold hand to his warm cheek, closing his eyes as he silently cries. Dejun’s thumb ran through his cheek, wiping the tears away.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t push me away, Dejun. I’ll hurt more if you do.” Guanheng managed to say between his sobs.</p><p> </p><p>Dejun nods and leans closer, enough for their foreheads to touch.</p><p> </p><p>Then Guanheng felt soft, cold lips against his chapped ones.</p><p> </p><p>Dejun doesn’t even know how to describe it, it was a bit salty from all of their tears still pouring, but he wanted Guanheng to know - that he himself wanted to be in Guanheng’s memory forever, too. He wanted to let Guanheng feel all of his emotions, at least at that moment he was able to do it because he doesn’t know if it would last longer.</p><p>Guanheng was a bit surprised at first, but he guessed this was the answer all along,<em> the answer he was looking for. </em></p><p> </p><p>They pull away, enough for their foreheads to touch. “I missed you.” Dejun slightly smiles. Guanheng stared back and silently admired the sparkle in Dejun’s eyes, feeling the other’s thumb rub against his cheeks. He smiled, and everything suddenly felt lighter for him, even forgetting why he was really at the hospital in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>Mrs. Xiao had a sad smile on her face while she was standing in front of Dejun’s door. Their moms knew it all along, as Mrs. Huang chose not to bother Guanheng anymore about visiting Yangyang that day, they left the two in their own world for a while and knew that they needed it.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“So I told your mom that I will be staying here for today.”</p><p>“Guanheng,” Dejun starts. “Please, I’m starting to think I’m a bother.”</p><p>“No, of course!” Guanheng smiles and plops beside Dejun. Dejun yelps at the sudden contact, but he remains serious. “It’s my decision, you know.”</p><p>Dejun shakes his head in amusement. “You know what?” He says, smiling. “I don’t understand what’s going on inside your head sometimes.”</p><p>“I really have no idea, to be fair.” Guanheng laughs. He sits beside Dejun then holds his hand. “You’d be willing to tell me everything again and again, right?”</p><p>Dejun nods. “Yeah.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Dejun’s stay at the hospital becomes better as Guanheng visits more frequently for the next few weeks, but his body gets weaker. He couldn’t bear to burst the bubble yet, he was enjoying it so much - it’s like they went back in time when they met at the physical rehab center, this time at a different setting.</p><p> </p><p>But he knew that Guanheng deserved to know, at least. The pain it will cause is unavoidable, and Dejun is afraid he might not be there when it happens.</p><p> </p><p>“Guanheng,” Dejun softly calls for the other who was sitting beside the window. “Can you… can you play my favorite song?”</p><p>“Are you already sleepy?” Guanheng stood up and reached for his phone at the desk. He opens it and scrolls through his playlist. “What’s the title again?”</p><p>“Time and fallen leaves.” Dejun replied.</p><p>Guanheng got confused but he shrugged it off. “Yeah, that’s two songs?”</p><p>“No, the whole title of the song is ’Time and Fallen Leaves’.” Dejun laughs.</p><p>“Oh, God.” Guanheng chuckled and shook his head in embarrassment. “Damn, I’m so stupid, I’m sorry.”</p><p>Dejun nods, a large smile plastered on his face. Guanheng hits the play button and leaves his phone, walking towards Dejun, as the other hugs him tight.</p><p>Guanheng adjusted himself to get a comfortable position, being careful not to sit on the tubes. Dejun hugged him tightly, his face buried on Guanheng’s neck. Guanheng slowly rocks their bodies in sync with the song.</p><p>“That’s not Chinese…” Guanheng says in between sways.</p><p>“Yeah, I know, it’s Korean, Guanheng,” Dejun replies. “That song...” he whispers, a little bit muffled but Guanheng was able to understand it. “I listen to it when I feel that I’m carrying the world behind my back.”</p><p>Guanheng hums in response, rubbing Dejun’s back slowly.</p><p>“You know,” Dejun lifts his head to look at the other. “Sometimes you need to take a break and unwind, look back at the beautiful past, you deserve it after everything that has happened.” He smiles - a genuine, soft one. “The song says ‘It is beautiful that they are asleep in that place’. Our past may be flawed but there is something beautiful in it.”</p><p>Guanheng had so much thought in his mind at that time as he listened to Dejun intently.</p><p>“Guanheng…” Dejun continues. “You may forget a lot of things, but always know your heart keeps them. It will be hard to sort things out, but I know you can do it, you’ll pull through it.”</p><p>“Why are you talking about me, you’re not including yourself? We’ll do it together.”</p><p>Dejun chuckles. “Okay then, we’ll pull through this, together.” He buries his face back on the crook of Guanheng’s neck as their bodies sway, sleep taking over him.</p><p>Guanheng puts Dejun back to bed, he looks at his peaceful face one more time before exiting the room.</p><p> </p><p>And then it hits him.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t always a wonderful day for them, sometimes Dejun wakes up in so much pain that he cries, and the first person to see it was mostly Guanheng. If he’s not there, it’s Mrs. Xiao, or anyone who watches over Dejun for that certain day.</p><p>All of it came crashing down on Guanheng that night, he knew he’s not the only one who was hurting at the moment - he could feel Dejun knew, and it wasn’t his fault, it was never anyone’s fault, then he sat on the floor and cried. Guanheng didn’t care if people in the corridors looked at him, he just wanted to let it all out - the frustration brought by his own amnesia, the pain of seeing Dejun’s suffering, and the realization that the future they wanted to have together is still blurry and seemed too far as of now.</p><p>He wipes his tears away, taking deep breaths to calm himself. He went back to Dejun’s room, trying not to make any noise, then sat at the stool beside the bed. Guanheng slips his hand on Dejun’s, rubbing soothing circles at the back of the other’s hand. He falls asleep with his head on the bed, still holding Dejun’s hand.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Their moments were indeed precious. Guanheng sometimes volunteers to look after Dejun for a night, then wakes up surprised and wonders why he’s at the hospital, sleeping beside a stranger. He sees a sticky note somewhere near him or a reminder on his phone, telling him to look at his notebook or tells him that he’s with Dejun, a person special for him. The day would go like their normal days, but Dejun’s body became more fragile and weaker until his condition worsened. Guanheng stayed beside him the whole time.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Guanheng was there until Dejun’s last breath.</p><p>It was almost the end of November, that one night when he last rocked Dejun to sleep. Dejun’s mom was buying food, and the moment he placed Dejun’s head on the pillow, the beeping sound started. The fear in his eyes when he was pulled from the scene and everyone started gathering around his lover. And then he heard it, the words he never thought he would be able to hear firsthand.</p><p>“Time of death, 9:26PM.”</p><p>He couldn’t remember what were the last exact words Dejun had said, but Guanheng was sure it was something about thanking him for everything, about him finding his own happiness when the storm already passed by.</p><p>Guanheng believes he will never find his happiness after all that happened.</p><p>
  <em> He knew Dejun was his happiness, and always will be. </em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Weeks of agony came, he refused to let go of the memoirs even if it hurts reading it. It sometimes sparks fights between him and his sisters, they understand why Guanheng had been like that, but they think it was too much. Guanheng sometimes wished his amnesia would help him totally forget Dejun, but he can’t bring himself to burn or throw out his diaries especially Dejun’s, which the latter’s brother gave him because Dejun wanted him to have it.</p><p>Days passed and even weeks after Dejun’s wake, Guanheng seemed to have a hard time. He wakes up empty, then he finds himself crying over and over at the end of the day.</p><p> </p><p>The first time he read the diary, it was exactly a week after Dejun’s wake.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Hello, Huang Guanheng! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I don’t know what time of the day it is by the time you read this, but hello. I’m Xiao Dejun, 19 years old as of writing, born August 8th, and I’m the patient you meet almost every day during your physical therapy sessions! </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I decided to write my own entries as well just in case you wanted to go back in time. I am aware that you do have your own take on the past, but let me show you what it is on my own perspective, how I view the world around me, and how you mean so much to me. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>His hands were already shaking by the time he opened Dejun’s notebook. Guanheng took a deep breath then went through the first few pages. The notes were full of almost the same memories Guanheng had written on his own, just a bit funnier and more detailed since Dejun remembers everything.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The cat at the facility, do you still remember him? You even asked me why I have a bag of cat food on my lap that day. You were staring at me for so long. I mean, your eyes are really on the food, and you’re not even saying anything, and I wanted to laugh but I don’t want to offend you. I saw him the first day and decided to take care of him by feeding it. I have a name for the cat but I don’t know if it fits. I want to name him Louis, though. Is it a good name? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I can’t take him home, obviously. No one would be able to take care of him since I’m very sick, and my parents and older brother are busy. I was actually going to ask you to keep him, but I don’t want to overwhelm you with a lot of stuff, so yeah. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I asked my physical therapist to take care of him when I’m not around, maybe you should ask him if you want to take Louis? My therapist’s name is Kun, just in case. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Guanheng turns to another page, then the other, and some of the entries made him laugh - the entry in which Dejun recalled their most embarrassing stories, the one where Dejun drank a whole glass of beer when he thought it was juice, and Guanheng forgetting one stanza of the poem he was reciting when he was young at a competition, and realizes that he forgot it when he’s already at home. He even won second place, which baffles him a lot.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Can you believe it? Those stories, it had been so many years since that happened. We’re all grown-ups now and we’re about to enter college. You have decided to skip a year, and I hope I will be able to go to college at the same time as you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I guess it’s highly probable, but still depends on my condition at that point. As of writing, it will probably happen in a slightly far future, but we’ll get there, I’ll get there. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I heard you have been doing well on your therapy for your amnesia. That’s good news, keep it up! I hope the time will come that you will be able to remember me without these written notes, I hope you will remember me and look for me in the future, I would most likely be at the same address where I live right now. You can visit me! Let’s talk all day, all night while having lots of snacks until we get tired. Our moms are practically friends now so you can ask your mom to ask my mom about the exact address, you know. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Just in case you want someone to talk to, maybe, just maybe? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Guanheng smiles widely, his tears brimming on his eyes. He flipped through numerous pages, reading all of them. Dejun is really taking the time to write, and his writing improves as entries go by. But this one entry’s letters are a bit unreadable, it seemed that Dejun’s hands were trembling so much.</p><p>And there’s a smudge on one part, Guanheng assumed it was because of tears.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Do you remember when you saw me inside a room, crying at my therapist? You were looking at me from the window. That’s a Tuesday, October 6, I guess? I think I have written something about that on the previous pages, under the same date. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> That was the last day you saw me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> My cancer came back, Guanheng, and this time, I had minimal chances of survival. I’m on the terminal stage. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He could feel his heart getting heavier from that point, but he continued on reading anyway.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’m sorry, I really am sorry for leaving you without telling you anything. I was so stupid for thinking that you will eventually forget who I am so it wouldn’t matter at all, but I forgot the existence of the notes, my name on every entry you wrote. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I became so selfish that I forgot that I will be leaving the man I truly loved for the first time. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The moment you saw me in my private room, I wanted to cry so bad and tell you how much I’ve missed you, but I was determined to push you away because I don’t know what will exactly happen if I die. I don’t want to be attached because I know it’ll hurt, I don’t want you to be hurt, Guanheng. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Guanheng unconsciously crumples the side of the page, he tries to stop himself from crying too much. It’s already late at night and he didn’t want to wake up anyone. Guanheng wanted to cherish the night for himself, reminiscing his shared moments with Dejun, recalling the past that seemed so wonderful, yet it hurts.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I told you about my chemotherapy, right? How it makes me weak, makes me suffer, and watching my family suffer as well hurts me a lot. I’m about to give up, I’m so tired. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He notices that the handwriting becomes slightly unreadable from that point onwards. It seemed Dejun’s starting to lose the skill again, the letters looked like the first ones Dejun attempted to write using his left hand.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Guanheng, I wanted to thank you. Thank you for staying with me even if you don’t have to. I thought that the day you saw me at the hospital would be the last, but you visited me almost every day. Sometimes I have to retell some stories to you, but it makes the conversation longer, and I’m happy with that, I truly am. I cherished every moment we spent together, even from the start. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> One day I’ll leave for good and you will never be able to see me again. I think by the time you’re already here at this part of the diary, I should tell you that I have a few pictures inside the pocket at the back. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Guanheng inserts his hand in the back pocket of the diary sleeve and pulls out five polaroids. One of it was the picture of the cat Dejun was talking about, the other is a picture of Sicheng together with Guanheng, the other one’s a polaroid with Kun and Dejun in it, with a little note at the bottom, “Taken by Sicheng”, it reads. The fourth one was Guanheng sleeping in his own wheelchair.</p><p>And the fifth one was a picture of him and Dejun, smiling at the camera. Guanheng smiles through his tears, his thumb running over the fifth polaroid. He notices the date below; it was September 28.</p><p> </p><p>His birthday.</p><p> </p><p>Guanheng returns to the page he last read.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I had those polaroids taken mostly by my physical therapist, except for one, which was taken by your therapist, Sicheng. I own a polaroid camera and I carry it every time. I bet you already have read that there was this time in our therapy that you threatened me that you’ll tell my mother that I secretly bring a polaroid cam with me, even if I’m sensitive to camera flashes? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’ve brought it not for me, but for you. To remember the moments we had, remember the people we knew at the facility. It’s really for you, so take it and post it somewhere to look at and recall. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The last polaroid, that was the time you told me it was your birthday, so I agreed to take a picture with you. I even joked that I will never, ever give you the polaroid, but here it is. I spent time looking at it every day that I miss you. You could look at it too when you miss me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> One day or another, you will only know about me and the love we shared through this diary, or through the notes stuck on your wall. But then, I hope that you will treasure these polaroids, these notes, these memories we had because I know your heart will always help you on your way. I hope that I will be a part of your beautiful past as you look back on it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You will always have a space in my heart. A big one. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>There were several empty pages left in the diary, untouched. Guanheng still skimmed through it, until he reached the last page. It was the moment where he let his sobs out, tears staining the paper. There, written in Dejun’s shaky handwriting, were the words Dejun always wanted but wasn’t able to say enough.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I love you, Guanheng. I always will. </em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Is it really hard?” Guanheng asks.</p><p>It was a snowy December afternoon, Guanheng just finished running some errands and locked himself in his room. He was sitting next to the window, his phone on his ear.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Xuxi’s voice is a bit raspy, he just woke up from a deep slumber by his phone’s loud ringing, realizing that Guanheng was calling him.</p><p>“Moving on, you know.” Guanheng says, almost like a whisper.</p><p>“Mhm.” Xuxi replies. “It depends on the context though. Moving on from what?”</p><p>Guanheng’s breath hitched, he realized he didn’t talk to Xuxi much about Dejun, so maybe he doesn’t know. “Someone’s death.” He says, voice slightly cracking.</p><p>“Death…” Xuxi trails off. “I’m sorry, Guanheng, I’m not physically there to hug and comfort you… you can let it all out, I’ll listen.”</p><p> </p><p>Guanheng inhales, the scent of roses from the diffuser tickles his nose. He was grabbing Dejun’s diary tightly. “How do people move on from someone’s death?” He starts. “It’s supposed to be weeks of mourning then we move on after. It’s supposed to be easier for me, right? I forget things, I always start from scratch, but why do I wake up now with pain, a pain I’ve never felt before? I feel empty, Xuxi, I feel that I was missing something.”</p><p>“Then…” Guanheng cries. “Then… I will get so confused that I’ll start to look for my phone, or the notes of my past, then I’ll see this name… Xiao Dejun… did I already tell you about him?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“He… he’s the loveliest person I’ve ever met. Dejun has the purest heart, he has the sparkle in his eyes and I love hearing his laugh.” He stifled a sob. “It’s like falling in love with him all over again every day, like meeting him for the first time… but at the end of the day I’ll realize that he’s already gone.” Guanheng stops for a moment, wiping his tears. “He’s gone, and I miss him every single day. I’ll cry to sleep… cry to sleep because I miss seeing him, talking to him, everything about him…”</p><p> </p><p>The line got silent for a moment - the snow got stronger while Guanheng was still crying hard.</p><p> </p><p>“... Guanheng,” Xuxi softly says. “You know, I believe that people never get used to someone dying.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“People come and go, it’s true.” Xuxi starts. “But the pain these people left in me, it inflicts a wound in my heart, and turns into a scar. These scars are symbolic, it signifies that I have loved someone unconditionally and was eventually hurt by it, no matter what the circumstances are, and it will happen again as long as we live.”</p><p> </p><p>He was waiting for a response, but all Xuxi could hear was Guanheng’s uneven breathing, maybe from too much crying.</p><p> </p><p>“What I was saying is, it will always be there as we grow old, Guanheng. As much as you wanted to ignore it, your mind will, but your heart won’t. Dejun never intended to hurt you.” Xuxi still continued. “I could feel that he wanted to fight, but he was tired, and it left a deep scar in your heart.”</p><p>“What am I going to do?”</p><p> </p><p>There was a long silence on the line, before Xuxi spoke in a soft, calming tone. “Make it matter, Guanheng.” Xuxi said. “Make it something that doesn’t just ‘pass’. Yes, you have scars that cannot be seen or felt by anyone, and it will always be there, but it was proof of something. It’s proof that you, despite of you losing your memories, despite of you not being the same Guanheng after the accident, can love and love deeply as much as you have loved Dejun.”</p><p>Xuxi knew it wouldn’t be easy for Guanheng to fix things on his own, especially in his condition. But he believes that the right time would come - it will remain uncertain for now.</p><p> </p><p>“I…” Guanheng mutters under his breath. “I think it will take some time.”</p><p>“Mhm.” Xuxi agrees. “Those scars will make you stronger. Your memories with Dejun will make you stronger overtime. Cherish it, he would always be in your heart for life.”</p><p>Guanheng nods his head. “Yeah…”</p><p>“Are you okay? It looks like you’re breathing normally now.”</p><p>Guanheng wipes the tears on his face aggressively with his sleeve. “Yeah yeah, I guess. I’m sorry… for bothering you.”</p><p>“You will never be a bother.” Xuxi replies. “Give me a call when you need someone to talk to, alright?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p> </p><p>Then Xuxi hangs up, and Guanheng’s all alone, again. But he feels a little better now, it’s good to let it all out sometimes. The words Xuxi left were still vivid in his memory, and he realizes that maybe his friend was right. Dejun definitely became a huge part of his life, and their memories were mostly happy and light, he assumes based on the writings. And these moments aren’t something that one will just throw away.</p><p>Guanheng knew Dejun wouldn’t want him to be buried in his own sadness to the point that he would ignore the people who genuinely cared for him, he knew the other pointed it out on some parts of the entries.</p><p> </p><p>He hears a soft meow beside him. “Louis.” Guanheng softly whispers the cat’s name, while it takes its place on his lap, purring. “Sleepy?”</p><p>Louis curls into a ball, making himself comfortable on his new owner’s lap.</p><p>Guanheng adopted Louis almost a month ago, asking Sicheng and Kun’s help. The two therapists gladly agreed to it, wishing that Louis will live a better life with Guanheng. After all, Louis reminds him of his happy days with Dejun.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“How was it, adulting?” Yangyang happily asks Guanheng.</p><p> </p><p>It was around June the following year when Yangyang had been doing pretty well in his final year in high school and Guanheng was preparing to enter college after stopping for a year. “I don’t know, actually,” Guanheng replies with a smile. “A lot has happened. I wasn’t really expecting a lot of twists and turns, you know.”</p><p> </p><p>“You thought it was easy?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Guanheng nods. “I thought that life was easy since when I was a kid… but it took a big turn. I underestimated stuff.”</p><p>Yangyang leans on the backrest, lifting his arms up and putting his hands behind his head. “Mine’s not even on the ‘peak’ yet. Yes, high school was awesome. But reality slowly creeps into me and I’m not really that prepared.”</p><p>“You will never be prepared.” Guanheng chuckles, before taking a spoon of his strawberry ice cream. The ice cream melts on his tongue, the taste of milk hitting his taste buds with a hint of strawberry syrup, with some sourness from strawberry chunks. “Wow, this is so good.”</p><p>“Told you!” Yangyang says, before reaching for his own drink at the table. He takes a couple of sips before putting it down. “How was your therapy going?”</p><p>Guanheng raises his shoulders. “It’s fine. I’m grasping everything now pretty much quickly.”</p><p>“Your notes on your phone are helping, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Of course.” Guanheng smiles back.</p><p>Yangyang squinted his eyes when his gaze directed at the other’s bag. “You still have it there?” He asks, pointing at the bag with his lips.</p><p>Guanheng nods in response.</p><p>“No way.”</p><p>“Come on.” Guanheng laughs. “It’s not really taking up that much space than what you think.”</p><p>Yangyang crosses his arms over his chest. “You know, I sometimes find you amusing.”</p><p>“You do?”</p><p>“Uh-huh.” Yangyang mutters under his breath. “Love, love, haven’t felt it but I’ll get there eventually.”</p><p>“You sure?” Guanheng snickers.</p><p>“Hey!”</p><p>“I was joking!” Guanheng defends himself. His grin falters after a moment. “But yeah, I’m slowly coping up and I’m doing okay.”</p><p>“Oh… great.” Yangyang slightly nods his head. “Happy that you’re getting everything sorted out now.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Guanheng’s already 22, and college life is turning out great for him.</p><p>He finds ways to keep up with a lot of stuff he was doing, and Yangyang was a very big help for him. Guanheng tries to keep things simple - he’s not really into the wild college life everyone wanted. He wanted to live as normal as he could, so homeschooling wasn’t really an option ever.</p><p>Of course, he still thinks about Dejun, a lot. Sometimes there are days when he completely forgets him, especially when he fails to read the diary on a busy day. But it had become some kind of reflex to him to grab his phone and the notebook on his nightstand in the morning or before he sleeps.</p><p>And he wasn’t crying that much anymore as time passed by because the entries reminded him of the one he loved and cherished so much until now, a thing which lifts off any burden from his back and makes him glad.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t know what comes when he grows older, but Guanheng thought Dejun was right. After all these years, his heart still remembers.</p><p> </p><p>And will always remember.</p>
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